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Tuesday, October 28th, 2003
4:54 pm - relapse
i've been so pre-occupied with death lately. not like the "oh im gonna kill myself" kinda of thing. just...

my friend jenna loaned me the book "lovely bones". anyone who hasn't read it, i defineatly reccomend that you do. its about a girl and she's looking down from heaven after being raped and murdered. her family has been suffering ever since, since the narrator is 14. it gave me a strange new take on death...having someone watching you...i guess its cuz im not a religious person or anything...

we've been watching "bowling for columbine" in psych. that movie, although biased, is a real eye opener to the american culture, society, and its scary...how many murders...how many people that own guns. partly cuz we are built on fear.

and the last...my creative writing teacher...her husband has cancer and he relasped. shes been out of school for about 5 days now. he keeps getting worse. i had him as a sub once...i mean i didn't love him but my friend katie told me that once you get to know him he is a very kind, caring man. its just strange how tragdey strikes like this.

im suppose to be writing a paper now on language. i can't do it. not at the moment. i mean, i don't know what to think. im angry, sad, and everything. its harrd. life...its no game, rollercoaster, war, or any other fancy metaphor.

its just...living.

current mood: numb

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Saturday, September 13th, 2003
12:01 am - thats poetic
one of my best friends is ann. tonight, instead of going to the first home football game of the season, we went and hung out in barnes and noble in the poetry section. it was awesome, we sat on the floor and picked out random poetry books and just started reading random poems aloud. the poetry section is in the back corner of the store by the bathrooms so it was secluded. we read kerouc, jewel, marianne moore, and a bunch of other aloud, getting weird looks. we finally found a book with the poems from the broadway show def poetry jam. that was love at first sight lol. we loved those poems, got inspired and just felt so at home in the poetry section. we sipped coffee, read poetry, and walked around. im sitting witht the book infront of me now...it is amazing! i highly recommend it to any poet, performance artist, rap artist, etc. it is very inspiring. ann wrote her best poem yet. im supercharged from the book (and a frap from the cafe). i cant sleep. i read adam a poem i wrote about him and then had to go and he left to by saying "luv ya". yeah...he can go to hell at this point. im very awake and inspired. i need to take trips to the barnes and noble poetry section more often. i feel so...myself and relaxed and free. its like my soul is reborn. well that is all for tonight and my supercharged-ness!

current mood: creative

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Saturday, September 6th, 2003
1:01 am - its like...just kinda...
me and one of bffs jessi are sitting at anns computer. its 1:00 AM and ann and everyone else at this sleepover are asleep. unfortuneatly for us...we had starbucks fraps so sleep no come easy. argh...jessi is stressing about...erm im not reallie sure...i stressing about adam...haha is anything new with that front? its just im remember tidbits strongly...thoughts i thought were gone. memories that i erased off the blackboard yet somehow appear as ghostly images infront of me. thats poetic. thats pathetic. arggggh! i hate guys...well...i dunno. matt caplan is playing at we are staring at the speaker...the lyrics hit the spot too hard for comfort. its tough to be insomniac-ie. im all sad and confused. i feel like calling him and just letting everything out but...hed just brush it off like he does every other frickin time!! omg...im just getting sick of his f---ing crap...i cant take it reallie...but i guess we're too close to actuallie drift...and i dont think i could live without him...what the F--- what the hell am i saying?? i swear to god my subconscience takes over after a certain time...and then i says the stuff that i thought was vaulted behind a steel door. omg!! i think jessi thinks im nuts cuz im like pounding on the damn keyboard...but apparently does the same thing. omg...this is SO crazy! he drives me insane! or at least memories...i think im gonna stop writing and try doing something else...anything...anything else...

current mood: annoyed

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Thursday, September 4th, 2003
4:18 pm - yet another year
i think im gonna start writing in this thing everyday...well the first day of skool was well...blah. they just put a new addition on so now our skool is mad big and hard to navigate. unfortuneatly for me, now in my senior year, i have classes with all the preppie popular jerk offs. not kool at all. i dunno im not used to the whole getting up early thing yet i don't quite feel like a senior. its kinda like...i dunno...its strange having like the free roam-age of the building and being the oldest the "role models"...its something i have to get used to. its hard. my mind is drained from today so more later

current mood: drained

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Sunday, August 31st, 2003
12:23 pm - gakk!! everything...
well, its been like a millenium since i've written anything here and its already the end of summer vacation. er...i really dunno what to write...

i guess otakon was a big thing. yeah, so i went to the anime convention wit my frined lauren and her friend jenna and ended up hanging out wit my friend adam...(erm...there's a lot about him in here) and his friends (as stated in jenna's journal...8 19 year old testosterone charged males). it was very fun weekend...it was the first time i'd done sumthing unsupervised and on my own. it was an fun and exciting weekend...even saw adam's anime music video on a big screen. ended up staying in the guys room both nights (the first was cuz of the fire alarm...and the second...i got kicked out of my room....umm

yesterday i went to a wedding...mom's friend's daughter...and now im at my aunts house. not looking forward to skool and dunno what else to write.

current mood: morose

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Saturday, May 24th, 2003
7:15 pm - depressio
tonight is the night of junior prom.
im home.
friends went to the mall.
and im at home.
jess went to the autoshop teacher's funeral.
and im at home.
raj is stuck with mountains of work.
and im at home.
anna's having fun with a "friend" in dc.
and im at home.
dave's goin to the matrix tonight.
and im at home.
i went to the mall to return curtains today.
now im at home.
went to boring church.
now im home.
i was goin to go to the prom.
but instead im at home.
i might go to anns, who knows.
but right now im at home.
its raining outside.
im still at home.
parents are going to blockbuster to rent a movie.
which leaves me at home.
al's working.
and im at home.
it seems like the world is working miracles.
and im at home.

current mood: depressed

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Tuesday, May 20th, 2003
2:09 pm - just...just...blah...
ok. well i dunno, this week so far has been weird. yesterday i found out that a camp conselor i knew from when i went to camp like 4 years died in december of cancer. i still a lil shook up from that. dunno...its the end of the year...not including exams i got 16 days left...tonight my friend katie is holding a buffy season finale party. this girl laurie who graduated last year is gonna be there. adam used to say that she had no friends which is mean and not true. im not even thinking in a stream right now. yearbooks coming out on friday. im not thinking entirely straight. adam's already done with skool. art's back from the army for a lil while...he was the tall scrawny kid who joined the army. meh. im not sure about things...im just kinda blah. i felt i should try to make something come out. and this is it.

current mood: blah

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Wednesday, April 30th, 2003
6:36 pm - somber spring
i dunno, i should write in this thing more. there is too much drama going on now. grr. i dont know where i stand anymore. its very interesting, i looked in my purse today and i found stuff that wouldn't necessarily be in everyone's bag: journal, homework pad, pens, hellsing vcd, cd player with something corporate cd, juice box. i dunno. its getting to the end of my junior year. sure i have regrets but i try to put that all past me now. my whole existents is sometimes spiraling depression which is never a good thing. damnit, i have a history paper to write and a book to read but as usual, im putting it off. i dunno, im confused...maybe this isnt the best time to write. ive finally becoming closer to one of friends which is not something i do often. i have trouble trusting people. but raj, im letting someone new in my life...in a non romantic way of course. my grades are better. but i feel distant some days. somber.

current mood: numb

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Friday, April 11th, 2003
1:40 pm - "dont breathe too deep"
ok so its been like forever since i wrote in this thing. i guess that i rely more on my real journal and all of my friends to receive my input but hell, a post here will be fun. meh so its spring. my b/f and i have been together a lil over 10 months now which is really spiffy. uh...lol in strange news...psycho stalker guy started writing another memoir...lol look out for that. im all psyched about going to my ex b/f's 19th birthday party 2nite. adam...yeah ive metioned him before. but now---we're best friends and thats it which rocks my world. its gonna be me, adam, and a bunch of adam's friends...they're the nerdie type. meh. well my screenwriting class is coming to an end which is reallie sad :( but...and im also bringing my grades. overall...i think the spring (besides bringing snow) brought some happiness. meh i think that's all for the time being. meh.

enid
i don't own emotion...i rent

current mood: cheerful

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Saturday, April 5th, 2003
5:33 pm - "we can have another protest..."
today at school they had a protest: books not bombs. about 50 kids sitting in the hallway outside the cafeteria with signs. it was an anti war protest which was cool because im anti war too. but there were a bunch of freshmen that were there that were just there to cut class. that kinda sucked. but in general, it wasnt organized enough to gain a lot of support which sucks. a lot of them of got cut slips. sacrafice for a cause. war reallie scares me so i hope we solve this without guns although i know its not likely.

enid

current mood: complacent

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Monday, March 3rd, 2003
3:25 pm - boring monday-ness
here some quizzes i took:


Serial Experiments Lain (find out more)

Find out What Anime Best Suits You by taking the quiz yourself!



current mood: blah

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Sunday, February 16th, 2003
10:29 pm - cuz you kno id walk a thousand miles...or maybe i wouldnt...
i did see adam yesterday. it was funny, for once, when i with him, i didnt feel anything at all. ive had a hard time getting over adam: we went out in fall of 2000, broke up a month later, started talking again in fall of 2001 and started being friends again in feb 2002. i started liking him again in may 2002 around the time i met my current b/f (yeah...great...) i had a reallie hard time getting over him tho because of everything that happened, especiallie in april/may. but, i dunno recently it all just dissapeared. the one thing that made it reallie hard for me to get rid of all the feelings is that, esentially, he never stopped liking me. i was the one who ditched him and avoided him. he still likes me...bizzare. but yesterday, hes a real playful guy and he had his arm around me and was doin cuddly stuff like that which normally would have some effect on me but it just seemed empty this time around. i guess thats good but its just a new thing. i mean, since ive been dating my b/f, its been just a lil crush but a nagging crush that wouldnt go away...kinda like the movie star crushes. the one that always used to get me was his eyes. im not sure what color they are, its like a mix of yellow and brown and green. i would fall into those eyes and never be able to come out. just sink. but yesterday, they were just eyes. they were nothing. i used to think he was hott too. thats pretty much gone too. its just weird...i mean the real reason it was hard because he was my first love. i told him i loved him over the summer and he basically just changed the subject. well hes in college now anyway and between that, his job, his friends, driving around his siblings when he can, buying anime (hobby), hes never around. im glad this ended now because hes going away to florida in a year and few months. i dunno...its just a weird thing to overcome so...but he is gone. ironic tho:
i was driving down the highway with his arm around me, other hand on the wheel and i was singing "a thousand miles" along with him trying to keep and straight face and not listen to the words. but hes gone. hes still my best friend, but all the feelings are gone. happy late valentines day i guess...

enid

current mood: contemplative

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Saturday, February 15th, 2003
5:15 pm - lifestyles of the r---loud and insane
hey just got back from the mall with adam. it was fun, played ddr...(hes so much better than i am) and had a great time with him seeing as tho i get to see him like once every 2 months. yes. hes mah ex but we still remain like best friends. very spiffy. yes. goin to one of my other best friend's sweet 16 2nite. should be spiffy and fun. ive had a very good day so far: screenwriting class in the morning, ddr and lunch with adam in the afternoon, anna's partee 2nite hehe! dunno y im listening to a sad song but i am. ne way, very good day! and i dont like adam ne more which is good. this song reallie cant be helping me but i haven't heard it in a while. i miss my b/f. grr...ne way...hmm it was funnie on the way there we were singing ot the radio "ill do anything" "a thousand miles" "i want you to want me" and "in the end"...haha interesting. but hey, past is past and im just happie to have him around even if he does defy the laws of gravity sometimes. lalala...just waiting til 7...lala...lalala...doo doo doo doo doo...im kinda bored...more than kinda bored...ok im very bored but (!) im not doin my homework!! well bye bye now peaceness!!!
enid

current mood: awake

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Friday, February 14th, 2003
8:31 pm - will you be my valentine??
dunno to me valentines day didnt ever have a whole lot of meaning. so im just sitting at my computer listening to the goo goo dolls. yeah i have a boyfriend so you would think that id be with him rite now but his best friend from out of town at his house and he doesnt like me and frankly, i dont like him either. hes a player weird person type but i miss my b/f. :( and tomorro im going out to lunch with mah ex b/f which should be interesting...but im just sad and wut not but hey im just ranting. haha i have a new icon and its menchi. one of my best friends (anna)'s sweet 16 is tomorro too so it should be fun. anyway, thats all for now.

enid

current mood: sad

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Thursday, February 13th, 2003
7:26 pm - cynicism
ok even tho im a hopeless romantic, that doesnt mean that im not going to shun tomorrow. its just another over commerialized religious holiday. the word love is cliche its lost its meaning anyway. im procrastinating my homework. anyway, nuttin else is reallie new, im just trying to overcome paranoia and my cynicism on the universe. maybe ill have something more intelligent to say later

current mood: cynical

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Tuesday, February 11th, 2003
6:02 pm - hopeless romantics
ok so its almost valentines day...argh. ok im the big cynic of the group but i have a confession to make: i am a hopeless romantic. no one knows this about me and after this entry, hopefully only julie will know. i love corny romance movies, i like seeing people being set up...argh but i hide all of that under my plain off white exterior. anyway, besides that, this week is the week of the romantics. my good friend michelle is now going out with her long time crush bj. and love is def in the air. my friend chris, for the longest time hes been hung up on one of my best friends, ann, but i have a huge feeling that he's fallen for someone else...hmm...anyway, my other best friend jessie mended her romance and is now "engaged" to her b/f. me, im fighting off feelings for my ex adam. yes i have a b/f but i was in love with adam and the fact that we're chilling the day after v-day...wut the hell am i talking about? ok i am a cynic and i think that v-day is overly cliche. OVERLY! yeah i think holidays should have meaning, not merchandise behind them. well, i gotta go so thats enough for me

enid

*the closet hopeless romantic*
*ps~looking back on it, now that ive changed a lil...im DYING to see "sweet home alabama" again. reminds me of a situation i was in...

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Saturday, February 1st, 2003
2:22 pm - eyes wide
all of my friends along with their families have their eyes glued to the television sets right now. by now, everyone in the country knows what happened to colombia. there isnt one station that is not covering this! even the spanish channel is! the start of this century has had too much heartache for one nation to handle. i mean not to say that living in the 1930s would have been better but now, a whole new generation has to live through this. a whole new generation has to face the lose of innocence and see the face of tragdey. one thing that i think is key in all of this though is not to dwell on one thing that happened. once it is past, there is nothing you can do except learn and grow stronger. my heart goes out to all of the families, communities, and other groups effected by this event. we are no longer children, even the children arent. its funny cuz when i was growing up the 1990s, there werent all these troubles and problems. i guess we'll just suck it up and move on.
enid

current mood: apathetic

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12:53 pm - holes in the ceiling tiles
yup ok i deleted my diary on tod. man i am fed up with them. but ok, lemme see...man this morning when i woke up, i was really shook up by the whole colombia thing. i went to watch my cartoons and on the screen i just saw images of something shooting across the sky. i feel bad for all of those people who lost loved ones and for the isralei people who lost their first person in space. anyway, i hate thinking of tragdey so im going to talk about my weird night i have ahead of me. at 5:45, im being whisked away to the sing a long sound of music at a theater by me. i got dragged into this last minute but hell, i guess itll be fun. i think im the only person not dressing up. im goin with my friend anna and anna's friend katia. katia's goin to be a von trapp child and anna's goin to be something from "my favorite things". i think the whole concept is weird...sitting in a theater, watching the movie, and singing along. damn the show is sold out! its a weird thing...kinda like the concept of tiny holes in ceiling tiles. i mean reallie why are there holes in ceiling tiles? is a conspiracy to build a rocket??? aiight ill stop being insane. yeah but we're goin to chinese before. mmm...chinese. i dunno, i cant watch tv cuz all they're talking about is colombia. well, maybe ill do my h/w before i go. this is interesting rambles...more to come!!

enid

current mood: drained

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Wednesday, January 29th, 2003
5:39 pm - starting over
hahah ok ok i know that has a reallie reallie bad rep but i am. i havent used this diary in like 2 years and im getting reallie pissed off at mah teen open diary so im gunna start posting shit here. haha well i don't have much to say now but...wutev

eni

current mood: artistic

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Friday, November 9th, 2001
4:19 pm - Back from Oblivion....
Wow! I haven't touched this since the summer! Anyway, life is boring on planet Blue Rock Angel. School is ok. I actually wish it was boring summer again. I'm going to a movie tonight that I don't wanna see. Joy. I dunno, I just don't like the new school year...I miss last year...schtuff is dull, hard, etc. I got many new cds to ease my dullness so that should help...signing off...

current mood: mellow

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